Can anyone help me edit/proof read this short paragraph?

Instead of faster then lightening use faster then a drunk girl in stilettos. I love that line. Utter is tired. Use escape or if you want a different feel use a synonym to run or jump. It gives a feel of urgency. Don't say I watched before my eyes. How else are you going to watch something? Throuh your nose? Take away all of the buts infront of your sentences. Run-on alert. After a while should be soon and you take a moment to silently curse whoever decided to make a coffee table the size of a child and rush over and pray nothing is serious. Don't elaborate. You dont think like that in an emergency. I would correct more, but my ipod's dying. Good luck and listen to everyone. :)